The Funnies
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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas
10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something
9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler
8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"
7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors
6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits
5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso
4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy
3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products
2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"
1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama
February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10 "Sup?"
9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"
8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"
7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"
6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"
5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"
4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"
3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"
2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"
1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."
January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans
10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"
9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"
8 "Smoke break!"
7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"
6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"
5 "Another smoke break!"
4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"
3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"
2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"
1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"
January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"
9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop
8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"
7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest
6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape
5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich
4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River
3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"
1 Uhhh...resign?
January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious
10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"
9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry
8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day
7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain
6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta
5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"
4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back
3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"
2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early
1 He demanded a recount
January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy
10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon
9 End our dependence on foreign owls
8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico
7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!
6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs
5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch
4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase
3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt
2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China
1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!
January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch
10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"
9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"
8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"
7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"
6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"
5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"
4 "Kissey kissey"
3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"
2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"
1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"